How Not To Piss Off Your Flight Attendant

Here are a few tips for the next time you fly:

1. If you have a smaller piece of luggage (maybe like the one "personal item" you're allowed in addition to your carry-on), if at all possible, just put it under your seat. This especially applies to purses, laptop cases, briefcases, and that plastic bag with your leftovers in it from last night's restaurant.

2. If you can manage to never have odd-sized luggage, that'd be great. And by that I mean suitcases that are kind of long and flat, but which don't really provide any space-saving advantage when put in an overhead bin, backpacks with hats/blankets/enormous hiking boots strapped to the outsides of them, sombreros (I can't make this stuff up), and empty cardboard boxes (again, I can't make this stuff up).

3. If you have a book/laptop/jacket/anything else you might need in the middle of the flight, please DO get it out during those two and half hours you were twiddling your thumbs on that uncomfortable bench at the gate--don't wait until you're in the aisle with thirty people behind you.

4. If you've brought a jacket or suit coat, try to slide it on top of your suitcase in the overhead bin, or just fold it neatly and put it under your seat. For the love of God, do NOT take up half of a bin by laying it flat and lengthwise across it.

5. This one's just a travel tip--pack in such a way that your bag isn't stuffed full and you have to sit on it to get it to close. Especially if you plan on getting your book/laptop/jacket/anything else you might need in the middle of the flight out of it while standing in the aisle. This also cuts down on the four smaller bags of souvenirs that you could've fit inside your one big bag had you not brought that sombrero that you knew you wouldn't wear. Sidenote: never use the expander zipper on a carry-on, and still expect to fit it into a regular-sized overhead bin. Because c'mon, you don't want to be that embarrassed idiot pulling your dirty underwear out of your bag just so you can undo the expander.

6. This one is especially to the ladies--if you can't lift your bag yourself, then you shouldn't have put so much in it. Also, if YOU can't lift it without hurting yourself, then neither can your flight attendant. You packed it--you lift it. This of course excludes children, pregnant mothers, those with injuries, and the elderly.

7. If you're going to fish for a free drink, do it by being genuinely nice to your flight attendant. Also, have your credit card already out so it's not obvious that you were just trying to get a free drink out of us.

8. Do continue to compliment us and be in awe of the fact that we can walk up and down those tiny aisles in four-inch heels while the airplane is already moving.

9. Understand that it's not MY fault that God decided to generate a hailstorm in the middle of September and you might just miss your connecting flight. It is also not my fault that your bag is definitely not carry-on size, didn't fit in the bin, and now we have to check it. Also, in general, I have no idea why we've been sitting on the runway for an hour and a half either, and cussing me out will not get us there faster, it will just get you kicked off the plane.

10. Finally, if it's a 45 minute flight, don't ask for three beverages. Also, it takes forever for the foam on Diet Coke to fizz down, so feel free to just ask for the whole can and save us the hassle of waiting 20 minutes until you've got your full cup.

I assure you that following these simple guidelines will make your next trip SO much more pleasant. That's right, you're welcome. Now go explore, you little explorers. :)