I keep having dreams about Robert Downey Jr. Last night's was actually pretty long and involved. I bumped into him at the airport (literally). He was trying to propose to some girl he didn't even know, and with a pinky ring at that. He dropped the ring and I picked it up for him, and we were instant BFFs. Then he missed his train, so I had to help him get to where ever he was going. I made fun of him for having such an old computer (who brings a desktop with them on an airplane? And especially this one?), and for wearing a pinky ring. He let me try it on, which was cool. He ended up spending the weekend at my house, and when he had to leave, I tried to wash all of his dirty tupperware for him, but I only got halfway through because we were going to be late. You'd think RDJ would have enough money to throw out tupperware when he travels. Then we got to the airport and said good bye, knowing we'd never see each other again. And that's the story of how I spent the weekend with my friend Robert.
This got me thinking about how I wish there was a way to record dreams, and decide before you sleep which one you want to watch. Not every night, because everyone needs a little novelty in their life, but as someone who doesn't have good dreams very often, it'd be nice to get a break every now and then. They can track a lot of things in the brain now, so it'll be interesting to see how far technology takes us as far as mind-reading goes. Somehow it'd be nice to know that nothing can really penetrate the mind so much so that we lose all privacy, which I guess negates my Dream DVR idea.
Completely off-topic: I've decided that many New Yorkers are perpetually hungover. More on that theory later when my parents stop reading my blog, ha!
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Emma and Emma's day of fun
Sometimes alone time drags me into the depths of nothingness and I start to feel like a puddle of oozing mulch that's slowly melting into the floor. In other words, gross. And other days, it all just comes together, and Emma and I have a fabulous time. Today was one of those days. Let me share with you some highlights:
-I have thus far completed seven out of the thirteen items on my to do list (one of which I've decided to put off until a later date. Who really needs clean laundry, anyway?)
-There is a beautiful old Catholic church in my neighborhood that I love to walk by. It makes me feel like I live in Europe (actually, I don't know how old it is--it could've been built last year, but I like to think it's old).
-When it's raining, and you walk under an umbrella, and then it gets really windy, your hair swirls around like you're a witch in the middle of a particularly evil spell. It's quite an extraordinary experience.
-Speaking of umbrellas and wind, I'm about to add to my bucket list that I want to be walking with an umbrella and have it spontaneously turn inside out, like in the movies.
-Bookstores make me feel warm and fuzzy inside, and it makes me a little sad that I'm contemplating buying a Kindle.
-Today as I walked past Starbucks, there was a man sitting by himself inside the window. He was on the phone. I decided to give him some intense eye contact because I think it's funny to trick people into thinking they've just had a special moment with a stranger. In my imagination, he'd be thinking, "What if she was the ONE?" and freaking out about his impending marriage.
-I got caught up in a lover's quarrel on my way home, which involved the guy saying to the girl, referring to me, "If you don't believe me, ask HER! She's been walking right behind us!" I felt strangely powerful, and also really uncomfortable.
And now I am home, sitting on my cheap Walmart couch, staring at our beautiful new rug which my roommate and I hauled home from the rug store down the street amid a barrage of amazed stares (flight attendant uniforms? Check. High heels? Check. Starbucks coffee? Check. Enormous rolled up carpet slung under our arms and suspended between us? Ch....what??). It's rainy and gray outside, and it's beautiful. It's a beautiful day.
-I have thus far completed seven out of the thirteen items on my to do list (one of which I've decided to put off until a later date. Who really needs clean laundry, anyway?)
-There is a beautiful old Catholic church in my neighborhood that I love to walk by. It makes me feel like I live in Europe (actually, I don't know how old it is--it could've been built last year, but I like to think it's old).
-When it's raining, and you walk under an umbrella, and then it gets really windy, your hair swirls around like you're a witch in the middle of a particularly evil spell. It's quite an extraordinary experience.
-Speaking of umbrellas and wind, I'm about to add to my bucket list that I want to be walking with an umbrella and have it spontaneously turn inside out, like in the movies.
-Bookstores make me feel warm and fuzzy inside, and it makes me a little sad that I'm contemplating buying a Kindle.
-Today as I walked past Starbucks, there was a man sitting by himself inside the window. He was on the phone. I decided to give him some intense eye contact because I think it's funny to trick people into thinking they've just had a special moment with a stranger. In my imagination, he'd be thinking, "What if she was the ONE?" and freaking out about his impending marriage.
-I got caught up in a lover's quarrel on my way home, which involved the guy saying to the girl, referring to me, "If you don't believe me, ask HER! She's been walking right behind us!" I felt strangely powerful, and also really uncomfortable.
And now I am home, sitting on my cheap Walmart couch, staring at our beautiful new rug which my roommate and I hauled home from the rug store down the street amid a barrage of amazed stares (flight attendant uniforms? Check. High heels? Check. Starbucks coffee? Check. Enormous rolled up carpet slung under our arms and suspended between us? Ch....what??). It's rainy and gray outside, and it's beautiful. It's a beautiful day.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
How Not To Piss Off Your Flight Attendant
Here are a few tips for the next time you fly:
1. If you have a smaller piece of luggage (maybe like the one "personal item" you're allowed in addition to your carry-on), if at all possible, just put it under your seat. This especially applies to purses, laptop cases, briefcases, and that plastic bag with your leftovers in it from last night's restaurant.
2. If you can manage to never have odd-sized luggage, that'd be great. And by that I mean suitcases that are kind of long and flat, but which don't really provide any space-saving advantage when put in an overhead bin, backpacks with hats/blankets/enormous hiking boots strapped to the outsides of them, sombreros (I can't make this stuff up), and empty cardboard boxes (again, I can't make this stuff up).
3. If you have a book/laptop/jacket/anything else you might need in the middle of the flight, please DO get it out during those two and half hours you were twiddling your thumbs on that uncomfortable bench at the gate--don't wait until you're in the aisle with thirty people behind you.
4. If you've brought a jacket or suit coat, try to slide it on top of your suitcase in the overhead bin, or just fold it neatly and put it under your seat. For the love of God, do NOT take up half of a bin by laying it flat and lengthwise across it.
5. This one's just a travel tip--pack in such a way that your bag isn't stuffed full and you have to sit on it to get it to close. Especially if you plan on getting your book/laptop/jacket/anything else you might need in the middle of the flight out of it while standing in the aisle. This also cuts down on the four smaller bags of souvenirs that you could've fit inside your one big bag had you not brought that sombrero that you knew you wouldn't wear. Sidenote: never use the expander zipper on a carry-on, and still expect to fit it into a regular-sized overhead bin. Because c'mon, you don't want to be that embarrassed idiot pulling your dirty underwear out of your bag just so you can undo the expander.
6. This one is especially to the ladies--if you can't lift your bag yourself, then you shouldn't have put so much in it. Also, if YOU can't lift it without hurting yourself, then neither can your flight attendant. You packed it--you lift it. This of course excludes children, pregnant mothers, those with injuries, and the elderly.
7. If you're going to fish for a free drink, do it by being genuinely nice to your flight attendant. Also, have your credit card already out so it's not obvious that you were just trying to get a free drink out of us.
8. Do continue to compliment us and be in awe of the fact that we can walk up and down those tiny aisles in four-inch heels while the airplane is already moving.
9. Understand that it's not MY fault that God decided to generate a hailstorm in the middle of September and you might just miss your connecting flight. It is also not my fault that your bag is definitely not carry-on size, didn't fit in the bin, and now we have to check it. Also, in general, I have no idea why we've been sitting on the runway for an hour and a half either, and cussing me out will not get us there faster, it will just get you kicked off the plane.
10. Finally, if it's a 45 minute flight, don't ask for three beverages. Also, it takes forever for the foam on Diet Coke to fizz down, so feel free to just ask for the whole can and save us the hassle of waiting 20 minutes until you've got your full cup.
I assure you that following these simple guidelines will make your next trip SO much more pleasant. That's right, you're welcome. Now go explore, you little explorers. :)
1. If you have a smaller piece of luggage (maybe like the one "personal item" you're allowed in addition to your carry-on), if at all possible, just put it under your seat. This especially applies to purses, laptop cases, briefcases, and that plastic bag with your leftovers in it from last night's restaurant.
2. If you can manage to never have odd-sized luggage, that'd be great. And by that I mean suitcases that are kind of long and flat, but which don't really provide any space-saving advantage when put in an overhead bin, backpacks with hats/blankets/enormous hiking boots strapped to the outsides of them, sombreros (I can't make this stuff up), and empty cardboard boxes (again, I can't make this stuff up).
3. If you have a book/laptop/jacket/anything else you might need in the middle of the flight, please DO get it out during those two and half hours you were twiddling your thumbs on that uncomfortable bench at the gate--don't wait until you're in the aisle with thirty people behind you.
4. If you've brought a jacket or suit coat, try to slide it on top of your suitcase in the overhead bin, or just fold it neatly and put it under your seat. For the love of God, do NOT take up half of a bin by laying it flat and lengthwise across it.
5. This one's just a travel tip--pack in such a way that your bag isn't stuffed full and you have to sit on it to get it to close. Especially if you plan on getting your book/laptop/jacket/anything else you might need in the middle of the flight out of it while standing in the aisle. This also cuts down on the four smaller bags of souvenirs that you could've fit inside your one big bag had you not brought that sombrero that you knew you wouldn't wear. Sidenote: never use the expander zipper on a carry-on, and still expect to fit it into a regular-sized overhead bin. Because c'mon, you don't want to be that embarrassed idiot pulling your dirty underwear out of your bag just so you can undo the expander.
6. This one is especially to the ladies--if you can't lift your bag yourself, then you shouldn't have put so much in it. Also, if YOU can't lift it without hurting yourself, then neither can your flight attendant. You packed it--you lift it. This of course excludes children, pregnant mothers, those with injuries, and the elderly.
7. If you're going to fish for a free drink, do it by being genuinely nice to your flight attendant. Also, have your credit card already out so it's not obvious that you were just trying to get a free drink out of us.
8. Do continue to compliment us and be in awe of the fact that we can walk up and down those tiny aisles in four-inch heels while the airplane is already moving.
9. Understand that it's not MY fault that God decided to generate a hailstorm in the middle of September and you might just miss your connecting flight. It is also not my fault that your bag is definitely not carry-on size, didn't fit in the bin, and now we have to check it. Also, in general, I have no idea why we've been sitting on the runway for an hour and a half either, and cussing me out will not get us there faster, it will just get you kicked off the plane.
10. Finally, if it's a 45 minute flight, don't ask for three beverages. Also, it takes forever for the foam on Diet Coke to fizz down, so feel free to just ask for the whole can and save us the hassle of waiting 20 minutes until you've got your full cup.
I assure you that following these simple guidelines will make your next trip SO much more pleasant. That's right, you're welcome. Now go explore, you little explorers. :)
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